Honestly, Openly Me

 So, I was just thinking about something. You know how there's this strange phenomenon where a woman wants to be pregnant so badly and believes so much that she is or will be, she starts experiencing physical signs and symptoms of being pregnant, though there is no baby? Do you think that works for spiritual awakenings & this so-called Twin Flame, soul connection, whatever the fuck you want to refer to it? So you start experiencing all these emotional and physical symptoms that can only be explained by being a Divine experience? I've had my doubts since day 1. I have believed myself to be on a Spiritual journey since I was like 5, though I never called it that, of course. I had no clue what it was I was feeling. I just knew Jesus & Angels were with me & I was trying to be "good." That worked out pretty well for a while, but into my teens & then especially after a certain relationship was basically liquid shit, burning up and deteriorating my mental sta

 I'm a bit dramatic. Irrational, unexplainable, never ending feelings can make a person seem that way. I actually understand everything I've been going through, spiritually, but I always question why. Espeically if I'm just going to stay stuck forever, not moving forward quickly enough. The intensity of my feelings change on the daily. I'm diving deep into them though. If I can't change it or explain it or truly express it in a physical way, I'll express it in a way that might seem over the top or off the deep end, but this is about me & my spiritual journey (I know I said I don't believe but God said "fuck you don't!" I'll explain later. Maybe.)  This is about my spiritual journey & my own development. If I'm doing it alone, I'm doing it alone. Most cowards always remain cowards. Maybe they eventually awaken. I don't know. I'm not forcing my will on anyone. I'm focused on me. I'm processing my journey throug

First, please forgive any typo's or grammer issues, I'm not exactly known for my care in editing what I write. I write it and I share it and re-read it a day later and regret it. I'm at work on break, so you understand... Okay, I was sort of working on a post detailing my so called spiritual awakening, which at one time, I was so sure was real. I say that, yet I was questioning and doubting every sign and sync and feeling the whole time. I told myself I'm crazy and imagining everything the whole. entire. time. Yet I still chose to try to have faith and believe in the things that are unseen, unknown and what I have now decided is unreal.  It sucks when you want so much to believe in something, especially when it was so profound and life altering for me personally. What I went though has changed everything, in the most destructive way. I have come to the conclusion that if it were a true spiritual awakening, I would have surely come out of this pit of darkness by now. I b

What a couple years it's been. I have had so much going on, yet nothing at all it seems. I'm not even sure where I left off. I know I was sharing some poetry and things like that but with everything happening in my life and all the emotions and frustrations, ups and downs, I just thought maybe this is the outlet I need. I've been sharing things on my Instagram account, which has been my only emotional outlet for a few years now. I have some really amazing followers who support me and appreciate my "realness" which is seriously lacking on social media. It also confuses people who are used to seeing more positive type posts from people. People share how wonderful and happy their lives are and leave out all the not so positive aspects and it makes for a very 1 dimensional account. I like to share my pain. I don't know why because it kills me when people don't understand and judge me for my openness.  I definitely am someone who vents more of my frustrations,

(originally posted on my Tumblr @ itsmetonyamarie) JUST A FOOL I wanted him to want me the way I wanted him - desperately, passionately, hopelessly, I wanted to feel him deep within. I wanted him to ache for my touch, the way I ached for his. I made my longing known - well known... He had to know...that it was him who was immortalized within my words He knew I wanted him and he lied right to my face, when he said he didn't think about me or want me in any way, Just to turn around and tell me there's more he'd like to say with that lustful look in his eyes that made me feel this way He's a liar So why did I want him so damn much? He might have thought he was doing the right thing, when he drove away Doing me a favor, doing the right thing for himself, so careful not to leave a trail but he knew the desire he'd stirred up inside of me was tearing me apart He still drove away with a smile and a tiny piece of my heart Why did I want him? Why do I thi

I can't sleep I can't eat I can't think straight I can't even write anymore and he's all I write about. This obsession, this pining away has to stop It's not right It's not healthy I feel crazy. I know I'm not crazy. Yet I hear something     he doesn't hear and I see something     he doesn't see.... us together. Happy. He's happy. Just not with me. Tonya Marie Follow me on Instagram @tonya_thrifts