She

Photo by Tonya Marie

She carries a book with her everywhere, "just in case,"

but she rarely ever finishes reading it.

She always wears a jacket, even if it's 90 degrees out,

because she gets chilled easily.

She loves butterflies and turtles;

butterflies for the pure beauty and freedom they represent;

the breaking free from ones shell, so to speak.

And turtles for the kindness and wisdom they bring to mind,

and the ability to return to ones shell where they are alone and safe.

She says "what the heck" and "I guess" and "I MEAN IT"

 all the time.

Just ask her kids.

She hardly ever wears her hair down or make up;

she's too busy for things like that.

She loves candy and all sweet things, 

especially Hot Tamales, caramel M&M's

and Diet Pepsi. Oh, and Sugar Free French Vanilla Cappuccino.

Diet Pepsi is her DOC.

She feels fat all the time but can't control her sugar cravings well.

It is her comfort.

She is struggling with the whole aging thing.

She's not that young anymore, but she's not that old either,

unless you ask a teenager.

But her kids tell her she's young and looks 29!

Her kids are beautiful and sweet and really funny.

She says she looks young from a distance 

because she still dresses like a teenager.

She refuses to stop and dress her age, and why should she?

How should she do that exactly? 

She thinks that with age, you've earned the right to dress 

any way you damn well please, thank you very much.

She will never wear mom jeans and twin sets, 

but she does love a cardigan.

She loves reality TV shows - mindless television so she can work 

and not miss anything too important.

But her true love is horror movies and suspenseful thrillers.

Laying on the couch with her husband and a scary movie is the best night ever.

She will watch a horror movie before a romantic one,

because she doesn't like to cry.

But she always cries.

About everything.

Including some commercials.

She's working on that.

When she gets mad she cries,

and she hates that which makes her cry more.

Sometimes she laughs so hard she cries. 

She hates that too. 

She hates to cry and once she starts, she can't stop.

But she believes a good cry and a then a long nap can be good for the soul.

She's an empath and a pessimist by nature.

She feels things very deeply 

and other people's emotions & energies can suck the life out of her.

She hasn't yet learned how to control that.

She can sense other peoples energies and intentions,

but she never trusts her own judgement,

therefore easily falling victim to not so good people.

She always wants to believe in the good of people,

but is quite often disappointed.

She has to work really hard to stay positive and motivated,

as being negative and procrastinating comes more naturally.

She needs positive and motivated people around her.

She has no real friends to speak of. Not since high school.

She misses those days.

She doesn't make friends easily. 

She an introvert and most people don't seem to get her.

People make her feel too negative, so she stays to herself.

She loves black, ever since high school; 

black clothes, black hair (or near black),

black nail polish, black eye liner...

she says it matches her soul.

But that's a lie. A bad joke.

She is good. Deep down.

Just a little broken. Cracked if you will.

She's picked up and put back the pieces, 

but sometimes still feels fragile.

But she is also very strong. Strong willed. 

She keeps pushing forward.

And when she gets stuck, it's only for a moment.

She avoids anything that will piss her off.

Her motto is "it's none of my business what people think of me."

And she means it. She doesn't care.

That's her other motto: "I don't care."

Though she does care. About a lot.

Just not what people who don't matter think of her.

She is easily irritated and annoyed. Easily frustrated.

Her irritation isn't just emotional;

the breeze on her skin is highly irritating to her. She doesn't know why.

Hense, the jacket or long sleeves.

People chewing and loud breathing and tapping drives her insane!

But she sniffles all the time and that's okay.

She thinks too much. About everything and about nothing.

About her perceived flaws and character defects,

about her positive attributes, about her kids' happiness and safety.

She's paranoid about their safety. Too many reality crime shows.

She writes too much.

Once she starts writing, she doesn't stop.

It's like someone who can't stop talking;

she goes on and on and on.

Maybe it's because she doesn't talk that much;

unless you ask her husband. 

He would probably say she talks too much.

But she has a lot to say and no one to say it too.

Her notebook is her confidante.

Sometimes she wants to run away and be someone else.

Or be who she always though she was. 

Sometimes she wishes all those fantasies over the years were magically real.

Maybe they were real in another universe; another lifetime.

But mostly, she is content where she is;

Alone, with her family, in her little bubble.

She is in a period of rediscovery.

It's scary and exciting.

She's a lucky woman.

She doesn't want to fail.

But she knows failure is subjective,

just as are our beliefs and our idea of success.

She.