The Blessing and Curse of Being An Empath and Dealing with a Narcissist
Why does it seem like some people were born without a conscience? I often ask myself this question and questions like it. Why is it that anytime I do something remotely wrong, whether something I say (it's usually something I say, I don't exactly do anything wrong anymore) or whatever, I have to think about it for days or weeks and Karma comes knocking almost immediately and I have to work hard to change my way of thinking and acting. But other people seem to just skate through life, treating people like shit, doing horrible things and they never seem to have to answer for it? Why do I have to feel everything so deeply and others seem to feel nothing? I believe I know the answer to that question.
Now, I'm a Christian, so maybe I shouldn't think like this, but I truly believe that even though God loves us all and wants us all to be saved, not everyone is going to be saved. I think we all know this already. But I feel like there are people in this world God doesn't waste His time on. They aren't going to be saved and they don't want or think they need to be saved. Maybe they think they are already saved because they were baptized as a baby or they confess their sins to a priest, so they think they can act however they want because they are already saved. I don't believe this. We are saved by our actions, our choices, how good we are and how we treat others.
Can a narcissistic person be saved? Someone who exhibits all of the traits found on this photo above. I don't know the answer to that question but I know we as people can't save a narcissist. I spent almost 9 years of my life, wasting my 20's, trying to change someone and teach him how to feel...anything, other than selfishness. It didn't work. I tried so hard, and what ended up happening was I grew extremely depressed and his mental abuse towards me caused me to feel so bad about myself that I started self medicating with alcohol. It's interesting, because he's the reason I always hated alcoholics and had no sympathy for them. He was and still is an alcoholic, but the kind who refuses to admit since he can get up and go to work after a weekend of binge drinking. I couldn't do that.
I didn't drink daily, for a period it was every few weeks but I would binge for 2-3 days and spend the next couple weeks sobering up and trying to feel back to normal. I honestly believe God allowed me to be in that position so that I could finally learn to empathize with people who are struggling with alcohol or drugs. I have always been a very empathetic person and I've always felt other peoples feeling right along with them. I just couldn't relate to people who spent their time getting drunk. I didn't drink. I hated it. I had been hurt by it. But I would learn my lesson in passing judgement on others. It's obviously not that simple and there's a lot more to that story, but for the sake of this post, I'll keep it somewhat short.
7 years ago, I did something I wish I could undo. Something that caused me to want to die. No, I didn't kill anyone, but I did hurt one of my kids during a black out drunk. I did something that was so out of character for me. I've spent the last 7 years of my life sober and making up for my mistakes. Before this happened, I had been praying for God to help me stop drinking. Help me to stop hating myself and being so depressed so that I can stop drinking and have my life back. Let something good happen to me. He answered my prayer in a very sad and dramatic way.
I had a wake up call, one that I wish I never needed to have. I wanted to die. I was planning on ways to kill myself but the image of my kids at my funeral, or maybe not even being allowed to go to my funeral, just broke my heart even more. I had already put them through enough and I couldn't leave them with even more questions. I knew what kind of things their dad and step mom would be filling their heads with and I wasn't going to let them cloud or alter my kids' memory of me. Even though my love for them hadn't been enough to get me to stop my bad habits or to make me happy before this, I loved them enough to not hurt them even further.
One day shortly after I hurt my kid, my husband and I were driving somewhere and I was thinking, wondering why is it that some people, like the kids' dad, can be completely selfish their whole lives, get drunk on a near daily basis, (every single weekend he's trashed,) he emotionally hurts and manipulates people and acts like a complete jerk all the time, and he never has to answer for it? Why do I have to answer for every bad thing I do in such a dramatic way? And it was like God spoke to me at that moment. What I heard was, "because I have a better plan for your life. This is not the kind of person you are meant to be. You're worth saving." Whether that was God or just my own mind working, I can't be sure today, but at that time, I was 100% sure it was Him. And that got me through the toughest time of my life.
Does that mean my kids' dad can't change or be saved, because he does have a narcissistic personality? Does God have a bigger, better plan for some of us and allow other people to continue down the path of self destruction? These are questions I ask myself all the time. I overthink everything. I still find myself praying for him to have a wake up call of his own, for my kids' sake. But maybe he never will. Maybe he's destined to continue thinking he is above me and everyone else, just because he hasn't physically hurt one of his kids yet, despite all the emotional damage he has done and allowed his even more narcissistic wife to do to them. He values money and possessions and appearances more than emotional happiness and true love. People like him don't know how to love. They can't feel empathy for anyone, but they know how to pretend to feel empathy because they've been shown it by people like myself.
I don't know what the bigger or better plan God had for me was. Maybe it was just to get my shit together and take care of my mental health so that I could be the mom that my kids deserve. Maybe it was to inspire just one mom or dad to make changes in their lives so they can be a more loving and present parent. I still don't know yet. I think I slow down the process of self discovery when I allow the narcissistic people that I have to deal with to make me feel inferior, when I know that God set me above that. I am better than that.
A narcissist will tell you you're crazy and do everything they can to make you feel crazy. And they are such good manipulators that you might actually start to think you are literally going crazy and all the problems in your relationship are your fault, even though it is that person who is lying, cheating and emotionally/mentally/physically abusive. You might become so depressed that you start self medicating and then they really feel superior and point the finger at you. Then they use your emotional state, that they helped cause in the first place, against you.
You might become so angry that you then start treating them the way they treat you, but you don't get any satisfaction out of it because you aren't a narcissist and you have feelings and a conscience. God doesn't allow you to continue behaving like that because He has a better plan for you and it doesn't involve behaving like the people who hurt you to begin with. Karma comes to you first because you are worth changing. Because you are capable of changing. And they just keep thinking they don't need to change anything. They just continue being the way they are and never learn or grow.
You can't change a narcissist because they don't believe they need to change. They think they are perfect, superior. They seek out certain types of people and Empath's seem to be drawn to narcissists because they are natural caregivers. They see the deep insecurity in the narcissist that others maybe don't see. They think they can change that person by showing them love and empathy. But an Empath feels everything very deeply, more deeply than other people. They absorb the energies around them, and the negative ones drain them and can cause serious depression. It's is always the narcissist who changes the person they are with, unless that person is able to get out quickly. Just know that you are NOT crazy, it is NOT your fault that they can't love or treat you with any kind of dignity and respect.
God can change anyone He chooses. He doesn't choose everyone. And being chosen by God doesn't mean you will have an easy life filled with money and friends and the so called "good life." No it's usually the opposite. You will have struggles, inner and outer. People will misunderstand who you are as a person. Life doesn't just get easy. It might get harder. It's usually the narcissist who appears to have it all. From the outside, everything might look perfect. That's the perception they work hard at - looking like good people without actually being good people. But they are empty inside. They get some kind of pleasure out of hurting people and causing chaos in their lives. They rejoice in other peoples suffering. There are people who know the truth though, and they try to bury that person with lies, accusations, gossip and anything else they can do to make people think that they are actually victim and not the ones victimizing. They always want you to do something to help them out but aren't appreciative and just expect you do whatever it is they want. They act like they are doing you a favor by letting you help them!
They have no conscience. They don't feel bad when they have said or done something wrong. When things in their lives start to go wrong, they blame it on someone else. It's always someone else's fault. They can't take responsibility for their actions. They can't see Karma for what it is. They are way too self absorbed. They are perfect after all, right? If you question them about anything they have done, they turn it around on you and make it about something you are supposedly doing or not doing. They can't answer a direct question about something they've done. They think they are so clever and pat themselves on the back at just how smart and clever they are when they've tried to put you down or succeeded in persuading someone else's opinion of you. They think they've won. They don't realize they are only hurting themselves.
It's been almost 20 years that I have had to put up with a narcissist and he married an even bigger one. I never thought there was anyone worse than him but I was wrong. I don't put up with the bullshit anymore. I give it right back. They don't even recognize it as me treating them the way they've treated me even though I've warned on many occasions that I am going to start treating them the way they treat me and they aren't going to like it. Guess what? They don't, and they don't see it for what it is.
But back to my original question; why is it that I have to feel guilty when I act like them? Why do I have a conscience and feel guilty when, like I've done something wrong by acting like they do? Because God blessed me with a conscience and a heart. I'm the blessed one. And anyone who is in a similar situation as I am just know that you are the lucky one. We have the opportunity to recognize our mistakes and change them. We get to grow and get better. We don't have to just sit around and stay the same, making the same mistakes over and over, hurting people without a care in the world. It's a blessing and a curse, but I am now choosing to see it as a blessing.
After an incident this weekend with the narcissist in my life, I've come to the conclusion that I am better than that. I don't need to act like them. Yes, I'm sick to death of the accusations, the lies and abuse, expecting me to explain myself but never willing to answer for themselves. Always asking me for favors. Always expecting more from me than they do themselves. I'm so fucking sick of the hypocrisy. They could make a career out of being hypocrites, they're so damn good at it.
I'm not like them. I allowed that asshole to control me for so long; he controlled what I did, what I thought, where I went, who I talked to, how I felt. It was a game to him. My feelings won't be controlled or manipulated anymore. They are losing control and they start acting crazy when they lose control. I don't need to follow their path. I don't need to send hateful messages or respond to their demeaning messages with name calling anymore. I'm better than that. I know who I am.
As an Empath, I am blessed to be very in touch with myself. I know what makes me tick. I can't help getting pissed and outraged sometimes, when someone is trying to manipulate a situation to their benefit and then has the nerve to turn it around and call me a manipulator. I am nothing like a narcissist. And now I am going back to my true self. However, I won't do anything to help them or make their lives easier, because I don't have to. Being too nice has gotten me nowhere in 20 years except walked on and disrespected. I'm done. There's nothing else to say.
Don't let a narcissist control you. If you ever realize you've come across one, run, for the love of God, run!
I know what love is now. I have an amazing husband, who would do just about anything for me. I wish I had known a long time ago that there were actually good men out there. They are not easy to find, but they are there. There are a lot of wolves in sheep's clothing but the more in touch and confident you are with yourself as a person, the easier you will detect someone with bad intentions.
Be grateful for having a conscience and for feeling things deeply. Along with that comes good intuition. Don't be afraid to use your intuition and listen to your gut. Empath's can be very indecisive because they always want to make the right decision and their feelings can pull them in many different directions. Don't let a narcissist convince you that your gut it wrong and they are right.
Now, I'm a Christian, so maybe I shouldn't think like this, but I truly believe that even though God loves us all and wants us all to be saved, not everyone is going to be saved. I think we all know this already. But I feel like there are people in this world God doesn't waste His time on. They aren't going to be saved and they don't want or think they need to be saved. Maybe they think they are already saved because they were baptized as a baby or they confess their sins to a priest, so they think they can act however they want because they are already saved. I don't believe this. We are saved by our actions, our choices, how good we are and how we treat others.
Can a narcissistic person be saved? Someone who exhibits all of the traits found on this photo above. I don't know the answer to that question but I know we as people can't save a narcissist. I spent almost 9 years of my life, wasting my 20's, trying to change someone and teach him how to feel...anything, other than selfishness. It didn't work. I tried so hard, and what ended up happening was I grew extremely depressed and his mental abuse towards me caused me to feel so bad about myself that I started self medicating with alcohol. It's interesting, because he's the reason I always hated alcoholics and had no sympathy for them. He was and still is an alcoholic, but the kind who refuses to admit since he can get up and go to work after a weekend of binge drinking. I couldn't do that.
I didn't drink daily, for a period it was every few weeks but I would binge for 2-3 days and spend the next couple weeks sobering up and trying to feel back to normal. I honestly believe God allowed me to be in that position so that I could finally learn to empathize with people who are struggling with alcohol or drugs. I have always been a very empathetic person and I've always felt other peoples feeling right along with them. I just couldn't relate to people who spent their time getting drunk. I didn't drink. I hated it. I had been hurt by it. But I would learn my lesson in passing judgement on others. It's obviously not that simple and there's a lot more to that story, but for the sake of this post, I'll keep it somewhat short.
7 years ago, I did something I wish I could undo. Something that caused me to want to die. No, I didn't kill anyone, but I did hurt one of my kids during a black out drunk. I did something that was so out of character for me. I've spent the last 7 years of my life sober and making up for my mistakes. Before this happened, I had been praying for God to help me stop drinking. Help me to stop hating myself and being so depressed so that I can stop drinking and have my life back. Let something good happen to me. He answered my prayer in a very sad and dramatic way.
I had a wake up call, one that I wish I never needed to have. I wanted to die. I was planning on ways to kill myself but the image of my kids at my funeral, or maybe not even being allowed to go to my funeral, just broke my heart even more. I had already put them through enough and I couldn't leave them with even more questions. I knew what kind of things their dad and step mom would be filling their heads with and I wasn't going to let them cloud or alter my kids' memory of me. Even though my love for them hadn't been enough to get me to stop my bad habits or to make me happy before this, I loved them enough to not hurt them even further.
One day shortly after I hurt my kid, my husband and I were driving somewhere and I was thinking, wondering why is it that some people, like the kids' dad, can be completely selfish their whole lives, get drunk on a near daily basis, (every single weekend he's trashed,) he emotionally hurts and manipulates people and acts like a complete jerk all the time, and he never has to answer for it? Why do I have to answer for every bad thing I do in such a dramatic way? And it was like God spoke to me at that moment. What I heard was, "because I have a better plan for your life. This is not the kind of person you are meant to be. You're worth saving." Whether that was God or just my own mind working, I can't be sure today, but at that time, I was 100% sure it was Him. And that got me through the toughest time of my life.
Does that mean my kids' dad can't change or be saved, because he does have a narcissistic personality? Does God have a bigger, better plan for some of us and allow other people to continue down the path of self destruction? These are questions I ask myself all the time. I overthink everything. I still find myself praying for him to have a wake up call of his own, for my kids' sake. But maybe he never will. Maybe he's destined to continue thinking he is above me and everyone else, just because he hasn't physically hurt one of his kids yet, despite all the emotional damage he has done and allowed his even more narcissistic wife to do to them. He values money and possessions and appearances more than emotional happiness and true love. People like him don't know how to love. They can't feel empathy for anyone, but they know how to pretend to feel empathy because they've been shown it by people like myself.
I don't know what the bigger or better plan God had for me was. Maybe it was just to get my shit together and take care of my mental health so that I could be the mom that my kids deserve. Maybe it was to inspire just one mom or dad to make changes in their lives so they can be a more loving and present parent. I still don't know yet. I think I slow down the process of self discovery when I allow the narcissistic people that I have to deal with to make me feel inferior, when I know that God set me above that. I am better than that.
A narcissist will tell you you're crazy and do everything they can to make you feel crazy. And they are such good manipulators that you might actually start to think you are literally going crazy and all the problems in your relationship are your fault, even though it is that person who is lying, cheating and emotionally/mentally/physically abusive. You might become so depressed that you start self medicating and then they really feel superior and point the finger at you. Then they use your emotional state, that they helped cause in the first place, against you.
You might become so angry that you then start treating them the way they treat you, but you don't get any satisfaction out of it because you aren't a narcissist and you have feelings and a conscience. God doesn't allow you to continue behaving like that because He has a better plan for you and it doesn't involve behaving like the people who hurt you to begin with. Karma comes to you first because you are worth changing. Because you are capable of changing. And they just keep thinking they don't need to change anything. They just continue being the way they are and never learn or grow.
You can't change a narcissist because they don't believe they need to change. They think they are perfect, superior. They seek out certain types of people and Empath's seem to be drawn to narcissists because they are natural caregivers. They see the deep insecurity in the narcissist that others maybe don't see. They think they can change that person by showing them love and empathy. But an Empath feels everything very deeply, more deeply than other people. They absorb the energies around them, and the negative ones drain them and can cause serious depression. It's is always the narcissist who changes the person they are with, unless that person is able to get out quickly. Just know that you are NOT crazy, it is NOT your fault that they can't love or treat you with any kind of dignity and respect.
God can change anyone He chooses. He doesn't choose everyone. And being chosen by God doesn't mean you will have an easy life filled with money and friends and the so called "good life." No it's usually the opposite. You will have struggles, inner and outer. People will misunderstand who you are as a person. Life doesn't just get easy. It might get harder. It's usually the narcissist who appears to have it all. From the outside, everything might look perfect. That's the perception they work hard at - looking like good people without actually being good people. But they are empty inside. They get some kind of pleasure out of hurting people and causing chaos in their lives. They rejoice in other peoples suffering. There are people who know the truth though, and they try to bury that person with lies, accusations, gossip and anything else they can do to make people think that they are actually victim and not the ones victimizing. They always want you to do something to help them out but aren't appreciative and just expect you do whatever it is they want. They act like they are doing you a favor by letting you help them!
They have no conscience. They don't feel bad when they have said or done something wrong. When things in their lives start to go wrong, they blame it on someone else. It's always someone else's fault. They can't take responsibility for their actions. They can't see Karma for what it is. They are way too self absorbed. They are perfect after all, right? If you question them about anything they have done, they turn it around on you and make it about something you are supposedly doing or not doing. They can't answer a direct question about something they've done. They think they are so clever and pat themselves on the back at just how smart and clever they are when they've tried to put you down or succeeded in persuading someone else's opinion of you. They think they've won. They don't realize they are only hurting themselves.
It's been almost 20 years that I have had to put up with a narcissist and he married an even bigger one. I never thought there was anyone worse than him but I was wrong. I don't put up with the bullshit anymore. I give it right back. They don't even recognize it as me treating them the way they've treated me even though I've warned on many occasions that I am going to start treating them the way they treat me and they aren't going to like it. Guess what? They don't, and they don't see it for what it is.
But back to my original question; why is it that I have to feel guilty when I act like them? Why do I have a conscience and feel guilty when, like I've done something wrong by acting like they do? Because God blessed me with a conscience and a heart. I'm the blessed one. And anyone who is in a similar situation as I am just know that you are the lucky one. We have the opportunity to recognize our mistakes and change them. We get to grow and get better. We don't have to just sit around and stay the same, making the same mistakes over and over, hurting people without a care in the world. It's a blessing and a curse, but I am now choosing to see it as a blessing.
After an incident this weekend with the narcissist in my life, I've come to the conclusion that I am better than that. I don't need to act like them. Yes, I'm sick to death of the accusations, the lies and abuse, expecting me to explain myself but never willing to answer for themselves. Always asking me for favors. Always expecting more from me than they do themselves. I'm so fucking sick of the hypocrisy. They could make a career out of being hypocrites, they're so damn good at it.
I'm not like them. I allowed that asshole to control me for so long; he controlled what I did, what I thought, where I went, who I talked to, how I felt. It was a game to him. My feelings won't be controlled or manipulated anymore. They are losing control and they start acting crazy when they lose control. I don't need to follow their path. I don't need to send hateful messages or respond to their demeaning messages with name calling anymore. I'm better than that. I know who I am.
As an Empath, I am blessed to be very in touch with myself. I know what makes me tick. I can't help getting pissed and outraged sometimes, when someone is trying to manipulate a situation to their benefit and then has the nerve to turn it around and call me a manipulator. I am nothing like a narcissist. And now I am going back to my true self. However, I won't do anything to help them or make their lives easier, because I don't have to. Being too nice has gotten me nowhere in 20 years except walked on and disrespected. I'm done. There's nothing else to say.
Don't let a narcissist control you. If you ever realize you've come across one, run, for the love of God, run!
I know what love is now. I have an amazing husband, who would do just about anything for me. I wish I had known a long time ago that there were actually good men out there. They are not easy to find, but they are there. There are a lot of wolves in sheep's clothing but the more in touch and confident you are with yourself as a person, the easier you will detect someone with bad intentions.
Be grateful for having a conscience and for feeling things deeply. Along with that comes good intuition. Don't be afraid to use your intuition and listen to your gut. Empath's can be very indecisive because they always want to make the right decision and their feelings can pull them in many different directions. Don't let a narcissist convince you that your gut it wrong and they are right.
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