Facebook Is Becoming A Problem For Me

I could not sleep last night. I was on the constant verge of an anxiety attack. I could feel myself beginning to suffocate. I spent an hour reading a book, trying to get my mind off the recent Facebook episode that for whatever reason just pushed me over the edge. It's not reasonable to be so affected by somebody's comment on my status, right?

I really try to not let difference of opinion bother me. It usually doesn't. I can totally respect a person who leaves a comment informing that they disagree and this is why and they genuinely want to know where I'm coming from and why I feel the way I do. I really appreciate and respect the opportunity to listen and be heard. But that is so rare anymore. And I'll admit, I'm partially to blame for this. I'll try to take accountability for my part throughout this post. (I really hope you can read this to the end. I know it's annoyingly long, and I haven't slept in about over 24 hours. Forgive me. Please excuse any typo's or missing words I'm too tired to edit. I appreciate it.)

A couple years ago, I started doing something I absolutely hated anytime I saw it. My dad does it (we are no longer Facebook friends, friends or even father/daughter anymore - his choice, not mine, but I'm more than fine with it), my dads brothers and some other people do it all the time. What is it? Share politically charged articles, memes and comments on Facebook all day long. I used to hate it. I would unfollow (not unfriend) people just so I didn't have to see it on my feed. Then Donald Trump ran for president.

At first I really didn't share too much regarding my absolute disdain for this person (Trump) because I thought it was a joke. And before he ran, I didn't have much interest in politics, other than to be glad Obama won his second term. I remember very clearly being attacked for the first time on Facebook since I joined maybe a year or 2 earlier. It was my favorite uncle who did the attacking. I was really surprised by that, because he shared his absolute hate for Obama and so many political "conspiracies" that I naively thought it was okay to share our opinion on our own timeline without being attacked for it because after all, it's my opinion and my page I'm posting it to. I wasn't sharing it directly to his page or tagging him in it. I never commented on anything he posted even though I disagreed with most of it. That was me being respectful. I thought the respect went both ways. I was proven wrong.

So, I didn't share too many of my opinions that might stir the pot after that, though, as I said, I didn't care much for politics. I think that is normal for most people in their 20's and even early 30's. But at some point, most of us become interested. For me, it was this vile human being running for the most important job in the world that got me fired up. I could not believe that I was seeing my Facebook friends and family were supporting him and loving every despicable thing he said! Why?! These were people I respected and thought were relatively intelligent people. My eyes must have been deceiving me. But then I remembered, this is Kansas. I never considered it a redneck nation but now I know otherwise. I know, that's a compliment to some and insult to others.

I started to feel like it was my moral duty to try to make people see how insane it was to even consider him as our president. I can't even remember what the first political thing I shared was. Probably just an article or simple meme. Once I shared one or 2 political related posts, guess what happened? Facebook decided I needed to see 95% political related posts all down my feed. So naturally, it fires me up even more. That is their whole point after all. Facebook is great is pitting people against each other. Facebook knows every damn thing about us. It's a complete stalker. Anything I Google shows up somehow in my FB feed.

So little by little I'm becoming something I always hated. I could refer to myself as a Facebook political activist. That might make me feel a tiny bit better. As I said, I felt like it was my moral obligation to try to sway people in some way. If they were on the fence, maybe they would read an article I shared and understand where I was coming from. Maybe it would start to make sense to them. Instead a few thing happened, people started leaving aggressive and hostile comments with no intention of having a respectful conversation or trying to offer insight into their view and trying to understand my view. People seemed to start losing respect for me. And sadly, I started losing respect for just about everyone. That wasn't what was supposed to happen at all.

I've noticed that rather than read the article I shared, people are commenting on my opinion of the article or the paragraph I copied and pasted with quotation marks to show it came from the article. I guess I can see how some people don't know that those quotations mean "quote from article" but why are they commenting on my comment about the article without reading the article first?!!! My comment will be completely taken out of context if they aren't reading the article. It's very obvious when they haven't read it. They'll ask a question very sarcastically and rudely that they would have know had they read the damn article that I shared. I have a hard time responding non-emotionally and equally sarcastically and rudely to people like this. And it is always men who are so hostile and come off as sort of attacking. I don't take well to rude men. I've had enough of them for my lifetime. When men try to make a woman feel beneath them, that doesn't sit well with me or make me want to listen to them at all. But moving on...

I've said many times that our beliefs and views are formed mainly by our experiences. For me that is true. Some people's beliefs are still just a product of how they were raised. Maybe they haven't had a dramatic or traumatic experience that forced them to re-evaluate their beliefs and views. Maybe something so major hasn't yet touched them or shaken them to their core so they can't yet see beyond what they already believe. I think most people are stuck in that state. And good for them that they haven't had anything too traumatic that has turned their world upside down and caused them to flip from one side to the other.

I have had some dramatic and traumatic experiences throughout my life, mainly my adult life, that has forced a change in me. I've written about it on other blogs I used to write on and I have shared openly with my FB friends. I am an open book to anyone who genuinely, without judgement, wants to know my story. I went through some very hard times. I've had bad things happen to me at the hands of others - people I loved and trusted. I've also done some really horrible things to people who I love and who love and trusted me. I've been through things, by other peoples hands and by my own hand, that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. All these things lead me to where I am now. I believe I am a better person now for everything that has happened in my life. Even all the things that I am not proud of.

Before the worst period of my life, between the ages of about 26 and 30 (off an on), I probably would have considered myself more conservative, though I also had more liberal views of other religions and people of different lifestyles. I have always been a pretty empathetic person. If I saw someone hurting, it really affected me in a negative way. But I was also quite judgmental, though I didn't realize it. Maybe conservative isn't exactly where I would fall, but I had more traditionally acceptable views. Such as, I thought it was the mans job to work and support the family. I always wanted to be a mom, since I was very little. I wanted to stay home and raise my children and I imagined having a husband who would appreciate and support that. I became a mom, I had a man who wanted me to quit working and stay home but only when it suited him. If he was feeling insecure about himself and worried that I might meet someone better than him, he wanted me to quit. Then once I did quit my job, he would become very resentful of me for making him responsible for the bills and he would tell his family and friends that I was using him. But that is a whole different part of my story.

I never really formed any actual opinions, though, politically. I never thought about which party I sided with. But once I started becoming interested in politics, it was very obvious. My political views are based off my spiritual views. After the worst period of my life, I dove head first into my Bible. I found enormous comfort in it. I found comfort in David's life. I found comfort in Jesus' words and acts. I found the ability to forgive people who hurt me and the ability to forgive myself for the pain I caused people because of what I was re-learning during my personal Bible study.

I grew up a Seventh Day Adventist and I went to Adventist schools from 7th grade. I honestly learned more during the 2 years that I read my Bible every single day. I had to unlearn what I had grown up believing. I left religion out of it. I wanted God to grant me wisdom. I prayed for knowledge of Truth. I didn't want to be place my faith in a religion, I placed my faith in God Himself to teach me what He wanted me to know. I have respect for religion. The Church is Gods house after all. Jesus became angry when His Fathers house was disrespected. I know people who follow religion and believe you must attend church would probably question my faith and everything I was lead to believe during those years and thereafter, but I know what I know. Those people weren't part of my life and didn't see who I had become and how my personal Bible study and spiritual journey changed me.

I became even more compassionate and empathetic towards others, particularly those who are looked down upon; people struggling with addictions, people who have committed a crime, people who are judged and looked down upon every day for just being who they are. I came to believe that it was NOT my job to judge other people or how they live their life. I honestly meant that and felt that. I'm not going to tell a gay person they can't be gay and Christian. That was my second FB fight with my uncle after he shared a meme that said those words. My argument wasn't about whether the Bible said being gay is right or wrong. My argument that telling someone who they are or aren't is wrong. Jesus would love that person no matter what. And whether that gay person should or shouldn't change their ways is between them and God. He has no right to judge them. I was more offended because I have a wonderful cousin who dresses and lives as a fierce female and uses female pronouns to identify. My uncle shared this meme knowing it would hurt my cousin. And that hurt me.

I don't believe it's our job to judge or tell other people how to live, as long as they aren't causing harm to anyone. I believe our job is only to love others and show them the love Jesus showed to even the lowest person. I believe we can't know what a person is really going through in their life and we can't know what is truly best for that person. Their decisions are between them and their God.

I'm pro-choice. That has caused many people to judge me quite harshly. They think that being pro-choice is the same as being pro-abortion, despite my explaining the difference many, many times. I believe it isn't my decision what is best for another woman. I don't know her, I don't know her life. I don't think government or anyone else has any right to make decisions regarding a woman's right to choose, or her right to birth control, or anything else having to do with her body or her life. If it was men who gave birth, it would be a non issue because abortions would be a normal, every day thing - in my opinion. Abortions would be a normal and important part of their lives and manly rights as Viagra. The Bible doesn't talk about abortion. I know it talks about God knowing you before you were born. He is all knowing after all. But it only for Him to judge. We don't know all. There is only so much the human mind is capable of understanding.

With all that said, I wouldn't encourage anyone to get an abortion. I never had one. I never considered one even though I never knew if their dad was even going to be supportive. If my daughter got pregnant right now, I wouldn't encourage her to abort it. I would probably raise the baby for her or help her raise the baby. But it would ultimately be her decision.

I've managed to have respectful discussions with a person who I considered a friend, despite our differences. Until recently. The whole sexual assault stories coming out left and right seemed to start the decline in mutual respect. I believe the women. I've been sexually assaulted and harassed on more than one occasion, by more than one man or boy, from the time I was 12. I'm disgusted by how normal I thought it was, despite how disgusted and confused it made me feel at the time. I've been forced or relentlessly pressured by a boyfriend on more than one occasion to do something I wasn't comfortable with or didn't want to do. I only told one person, a doctor, about the boyfriend and was informed that what he was doing was rape. I didn't think it would qualify because he was my boyfriend and nobody would consider it rape even though it felt like it. And I considered myself a somewhat strong person who didn't just take shit lying down. But a few times I did just because I didn't have the energy or strength at that time to fight. I know exactly why women don't come out and tell anyone immediately after. And I don't think it's any mans right to tell a woman what she should have done in a situation that they most likely have never experienced and most likely could be accused of harassment or assault at least once in their life. Because so many things can be considered harassment or assault. I won't go into that list.

Sharing my opinions on my beliefs has done nothing but cause people to feel the need to lash out at me. People aren't sharing their opinions anymore to have a 2 way conversation. They are telling me why their opinion is right and mine is bull shit. Especially now with the gun issue. Obviously, I'm for reform. I believe assault weapons should be outlawed once again. But I support gun ownership, which people can't seem to grasp. I believe in second amendment rights, but as the constitution says, it should be well regulated. We have to grow and adjust to the current time. Not stay stuck in a period over 200 years ago. Things have changed. Things will be far different in another 200 years. We have to make responsible adjustments for the safely of the people.

This topic has pretty much severed a friendship I valued. I never attacked him, never commented on anything he posted regarding it. It's he page, his right to express himself. But I am not given that same respect anymore. It's my own fault that people feel the way they do about me now because of my views and my sharing them. I felt moved spiritually to share news articles, statistics, related memes, in hopes of helping people understand. But I've learned the hard way that people don't want to understand each other. They want to be right. I have been guilty of that myself as of late. I've grown more skeptical of other people, more judgmental, and just plain pissed off at what I perceive as pure stupidity on their part and the lack of desire to grow as a person. I've become everything I hate. I'm becoming an angry liberal person rather than what I began as a liberal who wants everyone to feel loved and respected as a human being. I am so empathetic towards other people, but have a hard time empathizing with conservative people because I have been shown nothing but unkindness and hostility. Instead of me changing them, they are changing me. Not into a conservative. No. They only confirm in my mind how right I am in my beliefs. But I realize I have gone about it all the wrong way.

Last night I could not sleep one bit. I know God had called on me to take a look at myself and see where I went wrong. He may have inspired me to share my views in the beginning, but it turned into something else altogether. I don't like criticism, as most people don't. Especially when it comes from people who I feel have no right to tell me how I should feel or believe. I am sure they feel the same way about me. But I try so hard to NOT comment on posts I disagree with. Instead, I share it on my own page. That is what I've done. Only a couple times have I been unable to stop myself from telling someone how absurd or ignorant their post is. And then they decide to troll my entire account. I have another friend who I always thought was more liberal but I'm now seeing her express very conservative views on some subjects, but very liberal on others. I don't know what she even believes anymore.

I really should just delete my FB account altogether and I've really thought about it. I'm sure that would not hurt anyone's feelings at all. But I have too many photos and a handful of people that I actually do want to keep up with. I don't think I'll be sharing much of my personal opinion or views when I do get back on FB. It'll be difficult, but it is causing me way too much stress and heartache, to be honest. It's really upsetting to discover you're really can't be friends with a person you thought you could agree to disagree with and value each others opinion even though it differs so greatly.

I've had enough of the hostile and rude comments from people who don't ever interact with me in a positive or respectful manor. I'm getting sick of looking at people who I thought were reasonably intelligent people and thinking how stupid they are. I'm believe so much in not judging others yet over the past 2 years, particularly the last year, all I can do is look down on people. That is not who I am. I've become so angry, stressed, depressed, disillusioned, etc. ,etc.,  because of everything going wrong in the world and the vast differences of opinions and how everything is "us vs them" even when it's something we should come together on. We have a president who actively tries to divide us. If 9/11 were to happen today, what would happen? Would we come together, both sides, and love and support each other? Maybe outside of Facebook, but on FB, we'd be at each others throats. We'd be blaming each others party. People will say it happened because of liberals, or because there's no God, or whatever ridiculous opinion they have without any regard for people who are hurting by it.

I just can't take it anymore. I can't handle people right now. I only see darkness in them. People I though were nice people have been so offended by my views and the fact that I share them on my own page that they don't even try to see beyond that. I will say, that even though I am guilty of judging, I do try to see beyond their views that I can't comprehend and I try to remember the person I saw before I knew they thought so opposite of me. But I'm going to take some time to chill out. I'm going to make a different approach. I believe I should be able to share anything I want without rudeness being commented, but people are assholes.

I'm sure I've missed a lot of points I wanted to make but this is getting way too long. I am sorry for anyone I have offended for having an opinion on issues that are important. I'm sorry if you can no longer respect me or be my friend because my beliefs are so different from yours. Imaging if we all had the exact same view on everything. How boring and awful would things really be? I'm sorry for those I have judged and thought of myself as morally superior to. I am removing myself from my pedestal. I'm sure I'll climb back up there on occasion but God has away of making me step back and look at myself and my own flaws. Sometimes it takes me a while. I don't wish anything bad upon anyone, but I do wish God would cause everyone to have to do that. I wish He would call everyone out. Maybe He does but they aren't listening. I don't know.

I think I will be deleting certain FB pages that are political in nature and trying to make it a more positive environment for me to be. Right now it just too negative. Everything I see is negative and judgmental. And I helped create that environment with my own posts. That wasn't the intent, but it was the outcome. Now I need drastic change before God forces or causes change on me in a way that is painful, as He has done before. I believe He does give wake up calls and allows people to hit rock bottom. It's whether they accept that or ignore it that is their decision. After you hit rock bottom and go through the process of change, I believe you too will start to see a shift in your beliefs and views. Maybe you were once conservative but can now relate in a more liberal way. Or maybe you were more liberal and start to see things more conservatively. It'll be whatever change God wants you to go through if you allow it to happen. It's not about right or wrong anymore. What's right for you may not be right for me. That is where respect comes in and accepting views different than your own. You want your free will taken from you? Neither does anyone else. Our views on what is actually free will or should be free will are where the big differences are. Compromise needs to be made. That's why I am so liberal. I believe we are the more willing to compromise and try to support and defend those who need it most. Liberals get shit done through protests and advocacy. We're a progressive nation, so lets keep growing and progressing instead of regressing.