Things I Could Never Tell You
I never knew I could fall so fast and hard for someone I don't know.
I don't even know how it happened. Or why.
I wasn't looking for you.
I didn't want you.
I was indifferent.
Then one day I noticed you noticing me and something about the way you looked at me felt different from every time before.
I thought I was reading too much into it, but I couldn't get your face, and that look, out of my head.
Suddenly, you were in my dreams and in my fantasies.
At the most inappropriate moments, you invaded my mind.
You seemed happy to see me and it was so strange because you never were before.
And that was fine. I didn't think about you.
But now, my God, I really don't want to think about you anymore.
It's too hard.
It's changed. You're hot and cold.
Now that I've noticed you back, it's awkward.
You seem turned off.
And I'm such and idiot because I don't do this.
I don't fall for someone that quickly just because of a look.
At least I don't think I do. Never like this.
I don't want someone this badly just over a look, no matter how sexy that look is.
I am never willing to risk everything over a fucking look.
It takes a lot more than that to turn me on. Usually.
I don't think I've ever been looked at like that before, in a way that isn't creepy and makes me want to find myself in bed with the person.
This is lust, pure and honest lust.
It has to be, right? I don't know you so that's all it can be.
You turned me on and once I'm turned on, I'm on until I get what I want.
But as impulsive as I can be, I never fall so easily that consequences would be an afterthought.
You have to be pretty fucking special.
And I know you are. There's no denying that.
You must be special because I don't stray.
No matter how unhappy and unfulfilled I've been for years.
I don't know if I would ever feel more than pure, torturous desire for you.
I'm sure I'm not the only woman in town you've given that look to.
I'm sure you probably know exactly what you are doing.
You could look me in the eyes and deny everything. Deny that something passed between us.
Go ahead. Tell me I'm crazy. But I know what I saw and what that look did to me.
I know that if anyone was watching us, they would have seen something too.
Maybe that scares you and it should scare me too, but it doesn't.
Intentional or not, it was there.
And now it's gone.
I might have never had anything at all but I still feel like I've lost something.
How can I ever face you again?
I don't like games or feeling like an idiot.
I'm no fool. I know what I saw.
I know I may read to much into things and I overthink every single detail of every situation and pick it apart until it drives me crazy.
And I know I will never feel this way again in my life.
And it sucks that it was wasted.
It was wasted on something impossible, no matter how willing I may be.
It's impossible.
I don't know if you would be worth the risk, but I'm sure I wouldn't be worth it.
I know this feeling will pass but for now I will use it to fuel my creativity.
Rather than lay this aching desire all over you, I will spread it on paper with whatever words come out.
I will never be able to tell you any of this but every time I see you, I feel completely exposed - like you know. I can barely look at you now.
I feel like you see right through me now. Yet I see absolutely nothing when you look at me anymore.
I guess it passed much more quickly for you than it has for me.
So I guess this is the end of something that never began.
But I thank you for giving me feelings I thought I would never get to experience again, even if it was only in my head. Feelings are what fuels me in almost everything.
Feelings. Desire. Passion. Desperate longing for something more. You gave me hope that there is something more. And the inspiration I needed to get back to writing.
Maybe in another time and place we could have experienced something more, something passionate, something beautiful together.
I might have to find that somewhere else.
I don't even know how it happened. Or why.
I wasn't looking for you.
I didn't want you.
I was indifferent.
Then one day I noticed you noticing me and something about the way you looked at me felt different from every time before.
I thought I was reading too much into it, but I couldn't get your face, and that look, out of my head.
Suddenly, you were in my dreams and in my fantasies.
At the most inappropriate moments, you invaded my mind.
You seemed happy to see me and it was so strange because you never were before.
And that was fine. I didn't think about you.
But now, my God, I really don't want to think about you anymore.
It's too hard.
It's changed. You're hot and cold.
Now that I've noticed you back, it's awkward.
You seem turned off.
And I'm such and idiot because I don't do this.
I don't fall for someone that quickly just because of a look.
At least I don't think I do. Never like this.
I don't want someone this badly just over a look, no matter how sexy that look is.
I am never willing to risk everything over a fucking look.
It takes a lot more than that to turn me on. Usually.
I don't think I've ever been looked at like that before, in a way that isn't creepy and makes me want to find myself in bed with the person.
This is lust, pure and honest lust.
It has to be, right? I don't know you so that's all it can be.
You turned me on and once I'm turned on, I'm on until I get what I want.
But as impulsive as I can be, I never fall so easily that consequences would be an afterthought.
You have to be pretty fucking special.
And I know you are. There's no denying that.
You must be special because I don't stray.
No matter how unhappy and unfulfilled I've been for years.
I don't know if I would ever feel more than pure, torturous desire for you.
I'm sure I'm not the only woman in town you've given that look to.
I'm sure you probably know exactly what you are doing.
You could look me in the eyes and deny everything. Deny that something passed between us.
Go ahead. Tell me I'm crazy. But I know what I saw and what that look did to me.
I know that if anyone was watching us, they would have seen something too.
Maybe that scares you and it should scare me too, but it doesn't.
Intentional or not, it was there.
And now it's gone.
I might have never had anything at all but I still feel like I've lost something.
How can I ever face you again?
I don't like games or feeling like an idiot.
I'm no fool. I know what I saw.
I know I may read to much into things and I overthink every single detail of every situation and pick it apart until it drives me crazy.
And I know I will never feel this way again in my life.
And it sucks that it was wasted.
It was wasted on something impossible, no matter how willing I may be.
It's impossible.
I don't know if you would be worth the risk, but I'm sure I wouldn't be worth it.
I know this feeling will pass but for now I will use it to fuel my creativity.
Rather than lay this aching desire all over you, I will spread it on paper with whatever words come out.
I will never be able to tell you any of this but every time I see you, I feel completely exposed - like you know. I can barely look at you now.
I feel like you see right through me now. Yet I see absolutely nothing when you look at me anymore.
I guess it passed much more quickly for you than it has for me.
So I guess this is the end of something that never began.
But I thank you for giving me feelings I thought I would never get to experience again, even if it was only in my head. Feelings are what fuels me in almost everything.
Feelings. Desire. Passion. Desperate longing for something more. You gave me hope that there is something more. And the inspiration I needed to get back to writing.
Maybe in another time and place we could have experienced something more, something passionate, something beautiful together.
I might have to find that somewhere else.
Comments
Post a Comment