It's Not About Love
None of this has anything to do with love. Not totally. I write about sex and love and every other feeling that comes to me. Desire mostly. Desire is deeper than lust. Lust is a basic carnal urges that can be satiated, once you've gotten your fill of something or someone.
Desire is to long for someone or something so deeply, to want, to need every part of them and it can never be satiated. You long for it always, their body, their heart, their soul. The feeling doesn't end with orgasm. That is what I write about. I write about it all but desire is my feeling right now.
I write about love too because I long for that feeling again. I honestly don't know if I've ever been truly in love before. I thought I was once, but it was over very quickly. I am a very romantic brained woman and I believe in soul mates and "meant to be," happily ever after. A soul mate or someone who could never be replaced. Someone I could never fall out of love with. Someone who wouldn't dream of hurting me. Someone who truly understands me and why I am the way I am and why I've done the things I've done. Someone I can give all of myself to and not hide parts of myself from. Someone I can love with everything I have and not worry it will be taken for granted. I want the kind of love that can cure any hurt, any pain and I want to trust this person with absolutely everything, in every way.
As a married woman, I hate to admit that I don't feel I've had that. I thought I was in love, but I ignored so many red flags. I was in such an abusive relationship for years before him, not to mention I had an emotionally and at times physically abusive dad, so I thought he was great compared to what I had experienced. But things got so bad, so abusive, I actually feared for my life at a point. He had a wake up call and really changed when I was about to leave but I still feel the scars from those years. The damage was done. It takes a lot to push me away and he did everything someone possibly could to lose someones love. I've never cheated but I have absolutely longed for something else.
So I write not only about what I feel but what I long to feel. Not just what I've experienced, but what I hope to one day experience. I also write fictional stories but I haven't yet shared any of those here. I always say that not everything I write is based on reality or how I feel. That's true. But I am also the type of person who feels so many things all at once. What I feel one moment can pass just as quickly and when I read stuff I wrote while having certain feelings, I question what I was thinking. I think most writers feel a lot of things at any given moment and that is what makes a good writer. Not that I'm any good.
I wish to learn to master my feelings, to let go of things that are not positive or make me feel bad, but I do believe the frustrating, torturous feelings are what make me a writer. I always wanted to be a writer, since I learned to write. But as a pre-teen/teenager, I started using writing to help me get through depression and feelings of loneliness and being misunderstood. Writing got me through those years. And now, I still write to deal with my feelings and emotions and issues. It helps me sort things out. It's like therapy, only better. You go into your therapists office and you talk about all the things that are bothering you possibly leave with an entirely new perspective. Those feelings might linger for a bit, but you've worked them out. With writing, I put my feelings on paper and I leave it there. Most of the time. And it only costs me a notebook, some pens and white out. And being the introverted type and they type who doesn't always like to talk about my problems with people, writing is the perfect form of therapy.
I know that when people who know me read my work, they might question my emotional state. They don't realize that by writing, I am working it out. But I also know that my words touch people. I know that because so many have told me. I get occasional comments on my Instagram posts, but I also have a lot of people DM me or message or email me to let me know that something I wrote spoke to them, they could relate to something and it made them feel better. People want to know they aren't alone and that other people feel the same kinds of things they do. And getting those messages keeps me going and lets me know that I might not suck at this as much as I think I do.
Those are just some thoughts. I intended this post to be just one or two sentences, but it wouldn't be me if I didn't turn 2 sentences into 10 pages. I just can't help myself.
Tonya Marie
Follow me on Instagram @tonya_thrifts
Desire is to long for someone or something so deeply, to want, to need every part of them and it can never be satiated. You long for it always, their body, their heart, their soul. The feeling doesn't end with orgasm. That is what I write about. I write about it all but desire is my feeling right now.
I write about love too because I long for that feeling again. I honestly don't know if I've ever been truly in love before. I thought I was once, but it was over very quickly. I am a very romantic brained woman and I believe in soul mates and "meant to be," happily ever after. A soul mate or someone who could never be replaced. Someone I could never fall out of love with. Someone who wouldn't dream of hurting me. Someone who truly understands me and why I am the way I am and why I've done the things I've done. Someone I can give all of myself to and not hide parts of myself from. Someone I can love with everything I have and not worry it will be taken for granted. I want the kind of love that can cure any hurt, any pain and I want to trust this person with absolutely everything, in every way.
As a married woman, I hate to admit that I don't feel I've had that. I thought I was in love, but I ignored so many red flags. I was in such an abusive relationship for years before him, not to mention I had an emotionally and at times physically abusive dad, so I thought he was great compared to what I had experienced. But things got so bad, so abusive, I actually feared for my life at a point. He had a wake up call and really changed when I was about to leave but I still feel the scars from those years. The damage was done. It takes a lot to push me away and he did everything someone possibly could to lose someones love. I've never cheated but I have absolutely longed for something else.
So I write not only about what I feel but what I long to feel. Not just what I've experienced, but what I hope to one day experience. I also write fictional stories but I haven't yet shared any of those here. I always say that not everything I write is based on reality or how I feel. That's true. But I am also the type of person who feels so many things all at once. What I feel one moment can pass just as quickly and when I read stuff I wrote while having certain feelings, I question what I was thinking. I think most writers feel a lot of things at any given moment and that is what makes a good writer. Not that I'm any good.
I wish to learn to master my feelings, to let go of things that are not positive or make me feel bad, but I do believe the frustrating, torturous feelings are what make me a writer. I always wanted to be a writer, since I learned to write. But as a pre-teen/teenager, I started using writing to help me get through depression and feelings of loneliness and being misunderstood. Writing got me through those years. And now, I still write to deal with my feelings and emotions and issues. It helps me sort things out. It's like therapy, only better. You go into your therapists office and you talk about all the things that are bothering you possibly leave with an entirely new perspective. Those feelings might linger for a bit, but you've worked them out. With writing, I put my feelings on paper and I leave it there. Most of the time. And it only costs me a notebook, some pens and white out. And being the introverted type and they type who doesn't always like to talk about my problems with people, writing is the perfect form of therapy.
I know that when people who know me read my work, they might question my emotional state. They don't realize that by writing, I am working it out. But I also know that my words touch people. I know that because so many have told me. I get occasional comments on my Instagram posts, but I also have a lot of people DM me or message or email me to let me know that something I wrote spoke to them, they could relate to something and it made them feel better. People want to know they aren't alone and that other people feel the same kinds of things they do. And getting those messages keeps me going and lets me know that I might not suck at this as much as I think I do.
Those are just some thoughts. I intended this post to be just one or two sentences, but it wouldn't be me if I didn't turn 2 sentences into 10 pages. I just can't help myself.
Tonya Marie
Follow me on Instagram @tonya_thrifts
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