Day 2 of Denial: Spiritual Journey & Kundalini Awakening

I was having this internal dialog and making myself feel like a fool...imaging conversations I'll never have. And I just told myself, alright, enoughj. This is me, letting this shit go. I've got to. It's not benefiting me in any way. I ask myself quite often "what am I gaining from this pattern of obsession that I've gotten myself in." I honestly don't know. I used to do it for the writing inspiration I drew from it. But that was stolen from me. I mentioned in my last post about people being basically pawns of darkness, used to knock me off course. I understand how my words might trigger certain people. Words carry any energy of their own. If you believe in the Law of Attraction, you know that. I believe it. But my words tend to carry a certain darkness or sadness in them that doesn't exactly attract the things I want to me. But I write what I feel.

I was seriously planning to let it go. Today, I actually felt like my attempt at denying that what I'm going through is a spiritual awakening is working. Then, on my way home, I was thinking about what I was going to write for day 2, something short and quick. "I'm over it." Then I saw something. Something I'm not going to share because some things I'm not willing to share so someone can shit on. 

What I saw, I've seen only a few times and usually when I am questioning something or having doubts about something, it just appears. Like an angel or spirit guide. And it stirs up such emotion that I wasn't even feeling before that. You know, when you receive a sign that feels so real, at just the right moment and you feel it in your soul. It's so real and it's a reminder not to give up. It's real, you know what you know, you feel what you feel. I don't believe in coincidences if something happens more than once. So today isn't my day for denial but who knows, my feelings change moment to moment. Lack of 3D validation will do that to a person. 

I think my biggest challenge to overcome is doubting my own experience & inner guidance just because other people can't relate & don't believe. They don't have to. This isn't for anyone else. One day, if they are lucky, they will experience something as significant as I have and everyone will whisper behind their backs how crazy they are. Someone else could be going through the exact thing as I am and everyone will believe the other person while calling me delusional. That's just my life and my challenge is believing my experience without receiving the validation I want or need.  I have to believe in what I know and trust that one day I will understand it and everything will fall together as it's meant to and continue to use it in a way that inspires me to do something

Okay, let's dive in deeper now...

Every now and then, I am overcome by the same powerful, sexual/creative energy that I felt when all this started. The energy and the feeling that came from that that caused me to start writing again and gradually trying to understand why I felt the way I did. I wanted to know what it meant. What was happening to me because nothing like this has ever happened to me. I had dreamed and wished for something like that to happen my whole life but in my dreams, it went much differently. 

I have doubted whether that energy I felt was actually a Kundalini Awakening as so many call it. In fact, I have flat out said it's bullshit that people claim to have had one when obvoiusly they couldn't have. It's far too powerful and it doesn't just happen to anyone and everyone That was my thinking. Before I ever heard of the term Twin Flames, I was really sort of intrigued by Hinduism and the whole culture. I started studying it and I felt such a pull towards it that was strange considering I had been a Christian my whole life, a Seventh Day Adventist at that. It was basically a sin to even learn about other religions, unless you were studying to be a pastor or something and that was only so they could argue about how other religions were leading people straight to hell. If you looked outside of the religion or Christianity, you were going to hell. As a child, I was taught as an Adventist, only an Adventist could get to Heaven. Everyone else was fucked. I always felt that idea was seriously fucked, but when you are programmed to believe something, it feels wrong dismissing it. What if I'm wrong. 

I usually go where my heart pulls me. I was considering Hinduism as my religion but there aren't exactly Hindu Temples around in Kansas. I think there's one in Wichita and Kansas City. I wasn't sure it was a good fit for me either though. I just appreciated their views on a lot of things and their spiritual concepts. I've always felt more spiritual than religious. I don't really like rules. I like flexibility. I decided to adopt their principles for the most part. I even started attempting to adopt a more Ayurvedic lifestyle and diet. That was much more difficult for someone who was used to the American ways and junk food. I did it for a while but it's really confusing. It's probably not, I just confuse things. 

Anyways, I'm kind of rambling here and no, I won't cut it out like I could, this is my blog and I'm gonna ramble. I'm just touching on how I even got into all this New Agey spiritual stuff that some think is a bunch of woo woo. I would have felt that way too 20 years ago. But I've experienced a lot in my life that has led me to where I am today.

I started learning about Kundalini because of my interest in Hinduism and Indian Culture. Kundalini fascinated me. It made sense to me. And it scared me (probably why I was fascinated with it). From a Christian perspective, it's scary and something to be avoided. A Christian who knows anything about Kundalini would probably say it is posession. But no. It's not. I don't think so anyway. Not that I am God or know everything. That's just my belief. 

Kundalini Awakening can trigger a Spiritual crisis if the person is not spiritually ready to handle that powerful force of energy. If your chakras are blocked, that energy can get stuck in parts of the body causing extreme pain. It shows what areas need worked on. It can cause spontaneous body movements and yoga postures. It can cause mental deterioration and or depression episodes or worse. People have serious mental and physical breakdowns if they don't understand what is happening to them. So when people throw around the "I've had a Kundalini Awakening" or "activated Kundalini" and think they are the ultimate spiritual guru now, yet they seemingly never did any inner or spiritual work and some of  us who have been trying to grow and be better and wiser and more compassionate, that used to really irritate me. I know I probably sound like an asshole myself for saying that but I'm just being honest here. I thought of it in the most scary terms. The most difficult. I've listened to supposed Indian gurus - maybe they are, maybe they aren't - talk about it and some warn not to attempt to awaken that energy unless you are prepared for your entire life to completely change, even crumble to pieces. You won't be the same person anymore. You won't want the same things anymore. You can become very detached - which is basically the goal to reach enlightenment, to be unattached to worldly things. But when you have a family and children, you don't really want to be emotionally unattached.

I have wondered for a couple years if that is what happened to me, though and why I am in a constant battle, within myself and in my day to day life. Especially when I feel that energy so active for periods of time. Then it'll subside and I go back into doubt and questioning. I used to be careful not to read too much about Kundalini at once because I didn't want a spontaneous activation happening, like I've heard horror stories about. But you can't control if and when it happens, I know that. That is for God/the Universe to decide. Many things can cause it to happen. Many people love it and feel grateful to experience it. Others, not so much. 

There are a lot of positives in the Kundalini Awakening but I'm not going to get into it in this post. It is a gift, if you can use it to further your spiritual journey and it is what you believe it is so I wanted to be in a place of preperation. But you can't prepare for it. You can do the inner work, personal growth, chakra clearing, etc, but some people don't start working on really spiritual ideas that seem extreme, until after they have that awakening and have no choice but do the work. I did my inner healing, as much as possible for years. I tried to be a better person and to be responsible and take care of my duties and a wife and mom. But I wasn't truly happy deep down. I had so much hurt that I hadn't really dealt with, I more or less just buried and tried to put on a happy face. 

Don't get me wrong, I did experience happiness, my kids made me happy. But I still felt like something big was missing from my life. Then this awakening shattered everything and made things impossible to ignore any longer. God, I get a lot of hate from people for just being honest about what I am going through. People expect other people to just do what you're supposed to do and don't talk about it. That's life. Is it though? Am I supposed to be unhappy? Can't I just say I made a mistake? I thought this was what I wanted but now I'm not sure. Something isn't right. I don't feel fulfilled. Why are we, especially women, supposed to just suck it up and accept less than we deserve or want? 

I love my family. I love my kids. Nothing will ever change that. But isn't it okay to want more? For myself? That is what has really come through for me, as selfish as people think I'm being. I've been called to come back to myself. My Self. People can think what they want. I know more and more every day what this mean for me. I just have to build the strength enough to stop thinking about what's right for me and take everyone's ideas and opinions about me out of the equasion and do what my soul is calling me to do. What it is yearning for. It's not easy. What I am going through right now is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life and I've been through some shit. It's heartbreaking but nobody really notices. I still internalize it because I don't want to hurt anyone. What I do is write and post shit on Instagram eluding to my experience and now I am writing about it here. 

I know I'm subjecting myself to more hate and I talk about the hate a lot because I really feel that dark energy directed at me so hard but in reality, it's only like a 3 women that I can think of. One in particular who flat out threatened me via Instagram and stalks my every move, yet when I see her in person, she says not a fucking word. That's a smart move on her part though and she wouldn't want anyone to know what kind of "woman" she really is or that she is threatened by ME, all while threatening be behind fake accounts and messaging other people pretending to me to make me look like the kind of woman she in fact is. I'm not like you. I don't behave like a shady ass bitch, no matter what your mind tells you I do. I certainly don't stalk people. From my own porch, especially. 

Why do women hate other women? I'll give you 2 guesses. I can promise you thing, I never did anything to any of them. They are projecting their own pain onto me, as if I'm supposed to carry mine and theirs as well. But being the kind of person I am, I do take on other peoples shit as if it is my burden to carry. I'm saying it right now, not my problem. I have my own shit, thank you very much. I have never allowed myself or my actions to be dictated by people who don't know me or try to. Some people just enjoy having someone to hate and judge and that has nothing to do with me in reality. Hopefully they will start looking inwards and not be affected by me because why should they be? I'm not out fucking their husbands. But if they keep pushing me, I might just land on one of their husbands. Just saying...watch who you're fucking with. I'm spiritual, not a saint. I can go hardcore dark as fuck too....anyway....I still have work to do. Like I said, not a saint and don't intend on becoming one in this lifetime. I still like to get dirty and I will go off when I'm provoked, even if I'm just sitting here provoking myself with thoughts of the past and how I want to whoop her ass 🤬...😕..but I am being a good girl and keeping to myself, hands and everything 😇

I'm not saying that it's definitely a Kundalini Awakening but if it isn't, it's something similar. Maybe it's just chakra clearing that isn't being brought upon by Kundalini. I don't know. I like to cover all my basis and not assume something is one thing and shut my mind to anything other possibilities. I know there is usually a scientific explaination for everything. But that doesn't negate the spiritual aspect or purpose in my mind. I believe God and science can co-exist just fine. Science is the explaination or the way but that doesn't mean it didn't come from God. 

I have also considered that maybe it was actually learning that my husband had terminal cancer just a couple months prior to my awakening that actually was the trigger and I just associated it with a person because that's when I felt it hit me. That's when I recognized or saw him in a completely different light. Maybe he was in the right place at the right time. Or the wrong place at the wrong time and I tied him to it. Maybe both. Believe me, I've considered all options and tried talking some sense into myself for 2 years. Maybe the fear and pain I was in over my husband and the knowledge that I was about to become a widow was too much for my mind and my heart to take, despite how unhappy I had been for so many years. I still loved him. He was still my friend. And then seeing this person was just the right combination at the right time. Or wrong, however you want to look at it, like I said already. 

Either way, my life hasn't been the same. I feel differently about every damn thing. I have been through the dark night of the soul, seemingly unending dark night. I have glimpses of this blissful state that the awakening and kundalini are supposed to produce. Maybe I focus on the negative too much and what I don't have or haven't acheived. But as I sit here now, I feel that energy, that starts at the base of my spine rising and radiating higher, slowly, simmering, waiting, stalking me from within myself... I've felt it rise clear up my spine, through my body, heating every part of me, going on and on, like an unending orgasm only better, on many occasions. My chest feels like it's bursting open and on these rare occasions, I feel the love, contentment, bliss...that high that I'm always searching for but find only on certain occasions. That energy as of now, has a mind of it's own but I'm finally beginning to be able to control it to some degree or bring it out of it's slumber when I call to it. Yeah, it begins to rise when I call to it. Or when I'm feeling really down and about to give up, it calls to me.

Do I sound crazy enough for you yet? Am I validating your ideas about me, despite the fact that you don't know me? Have I given you enough yet to make you think you know me? Believe me, I know how it all sounds. I have thought the same things about people who have made these same claims. Our experiences are similar now, yet very different. Do you know what always happens to me when I judge someone or call them crazy or alcoholic or whatever the case? I become that thing that I called them. I end up experiencing what they are going through so that I know how it feels and I can show more empathy and understanding and compassion towards them, something they probably rarely get. Now I rarely call people any types of names. Not since calling my ex and his family a bunch of crazy alcholic dicks who should be ashamed of their behavior and the way they treat people. LOL jokes on me! 

I feel empathy even for my enemies now, even when I don't want to. I feel some level of empathy for people who nobody else would ever have empathy for and that is almost tragic for me. I see both sides of a situation and sometimes I don't want to. I have to take the good with the bad and a lot of good things come from being a highly sensitive empath. And yes, it annoys me too when people claim to be an empath and talk about it all the time, especially because most of them are not empaths. It takes one to know one. Sometimes you just have to own your shit. I don't just talk about the good parts, I talk about all the parts.

Maybe I'll write about the positives of a Kundalini Awakening that I know about or have read about. I would apologize for the brief rant I went on, but I'm not sorry. I internalize things in real life because I have to. There's nobody to talk to and I am the the responsible one at home and everything in life rests on my shoulders. I am a Cancer Sun and Moon so yes, I have a lot of water and moon energy flowing through me. But I'm a Taurus rising and true form, I put on my grounded real life energy and do what needs done. Solid and dependable for my family. I'm not going around crying all day, spilling my guts to anyone who will look in my direction and talking about astrology, crystals, twin flames, kundalini and how I'm a fucking a Goddess. No. I don't. But the thought definitely crosses my mind on occasion but usually because someone has started talking to me about some shit I don't care about and it scares people away. But I don't do that. I smile pleasantly, well, as pleasantly as possible though it probably looks fake as fuck and my fake smile is scary as hell. Or deer in headlights? I don't know. Maybe somebody will tell me some day. I'm an introvert y'all.

Follow my ass on Instagram for more random rants and streams of thought thrown into as many characters as they will allow @tonya_thrifts and I'm pretty, I'll be nice to you and I use random emojis that I often don't know the actual meaning for they just look cute 👩😉😊💕💖

If you made it this far, you are a God or Goddess in my eyes... or my stalker 👹🙍